I wrote earlier about my trip to Japan in 1970 when I met my mother's parents, sister, brother and extended family for the first time. Mom says I was famous for a while because people enjoyed the quirks in my language. Let's face it. My Japanese stunk and actually still does, but I'm glad I can provide some amusement for loved ones.
That trip to Japan was pivotal for me. There was so much I didn't understand about my mother, and my grandmother was able to shed a lot of light into my understanding of her.
Mom is of the old generation of Japanese who did not express affection to their children physically or even verbally. There was quite a bit more formality than there is in the U.S. By kindergarten age, mothers didn't pamper or coddle their children. Mom would never hug us or say, "I love you." It just wasn't done.
My grandmother told me a story that touched me so much I wrote it all down in my 1970 trip journal:
"After breakfast, Obaachan (grandmother) told me about mama and her two sisters when they were young. They'd been told not to be rude in front of guests. However, being children they forgot and asked the guests for candy. When the guests left, Obaachan called mom, chewed her out and shut her in her room. Mom cried and cried and apologized profusely. The other two sisters, realizing what they were in for ran off, not coming back until everything was over.
As for mom, Ojiichan (grandfather) feeling very sorry for his eldest daughter, went in and told Hirochan (mom's name) it was alright and that if she wouldn't do it again, she could go out and play for she was quite forgiven.
To Grandfather's astonishment, mom shook her head with tears in her eyes. "No, it's mother who scolded me and I cannot be pardoned deep down by anyone but her."
Very proud, Grandfather called Obaachan who (though feeling very loving and mushy inside) very sternly pardoned her. Mom understood what her mother was telling her. She knew her mother loved her and was teaching her how to behave. She ran off happily to join her sisters.
Obaachan went on to tell me that was the nature of a mother's love in Japan. She said Japanese mothers must be like a mother lion. She needs to roll her children down the hill and make them climb back up to her. This way, they will become strong and great.
I told Obaachan that mom was different, that she was more stoic. "No," said Obaachan. "Your mother wrote me a letter saying that when you left Hawaii to come here she stayed at the airport until she couldn't see the plane anymore. Your brother even asked if she was going to stay there until morning."
I remember my grandmother and I both sitting next to each other, not touching, with tears running down our faces and feeling such a love for each other. I may have forgotten many things about that trip, but I remember those precious moments at my grandfather's temple. It changed my life.
That trip to Japan was pivotal for me. There was so much I didn't understand about my mother, and my grandmother was able to shed a lot of light into my understanding of her.
Mom is of the old generation of Japanese who did not express affection to their children physically or even verbally. There was quite a bit more formality than there is in the U.S. By kindergarten age, mothers didn't pamper or coddle their children. Mom would never hug us or say, "I love you." It just wasn't done.
My grandmother told me a story that touched me so much I wrote it all down in my 1970 trip journal:
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| Circa 1936, Mom in Sendai |
As for mom, Ojiichan (grandfather) feeling very sorry for his eldest daughter, went in and told Hirochan (mom's name) it was alright and that if she wouldn't do it again, she could go out and play for she was quite forgiven.
To Grandfather's astonishment, mom shook her head with tears in her eyes. "No, it's mother who scolded me and I cannot be pardoned deep down by anyone but her."
Very proud, Grandfather called Obaachan who (though feeling very loving and mushy inside) very sternly pardoned her. Mom understood what her mother was telling her. She knew her mother loved her and was teaching her how to behave. She ran off happily to join her sisters.
Obaachan went on to tell me that was the nature of a mother's love in Japan. She said Japanese mothers must be like a mother lion. She needs to roll her children down the hill and make them climb back up to her. This way, they will become strong and great.
I told Obaachan that mom was different, that she was more stoic. "No," said Obaachan. "Your mother wrote me a letter saying that when you left Hawaii to come here she stayed at the airport until she couldn't see the plane anymore. Your brother even asked if she was going to stay there until morning."
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| 1970 Grandmother and me in Matsushima |
I remember my grandmother and I both sitting next to each other, not touching, with tears running down our faces and feeling such a love for each other. I may have forgotten many things about that trip, but I remember those precious moments at my grandfather's temple. It changed my life.
what a sweet story...interesting how different culture are and even people within the same culture. Love the old photos...
ReplyDeleteAfter my 1 week visit to Hawaii in 1974, my mom and dad saw me off at the airport on my return to New York. He was so engrossed, because they had not seen me since 1968 and didn't know when they would see me again, that he forgot where he parked his car at the airport. Mom later told me it took them 3 whole hours to find it.
ReplyDeleteI guess parents do care more about their children than they let on.
you brought tears to my eyes, I found it a bit difficult to understand our Japanese friends ways when she first came to live with us but through time i understood, you explained it so beautifully here.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful story. I feel so much more understanding of the culture now. I have long felt that your mom is a very unusual person, and this confirms it.
ReplyDeleteWho needs to remember any more than this.
ReplyDeleteThe pictures are wonderful Kay and the story is very interesting and enlightening. Your mom is such an interesting and special person.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you got to meet both grandparents. Interesting approach to childrearing though. Now that your Mom has seen the different ways of childrearing, I wonder which way she thinks is "better." Maybe each was best for their times. DrumMajor
ReplyDeleteI can see the difficulty of being raised bi-culturally--in one, raise by another standard. I also hope that like you, children grow to realize their parents did the very best they could.
ReplyDeleteWhat a gift you have given your family by writing of this love and of these cultural differences. My eyes are filled with tears.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post today. I didn't know this:
ReplyDelete"Obaachan went on to tell me that was the nature of a mother's love in Japan. She said Japanese mothers must be like a mother lion. She needs to roll her children down the hill and make them climb back up to her. This way, they will become strong and great."
Wow, it explains so much. I always felt my mother was abusively harsh and my father on the other hand ignored the whole "lesson" as though it never happened. Of course, there are degrees to "rolling children down the hill", and rebellious me chose not to "climb back to her". That combination definitely sinks the Japanese lesson. Also, my mother was not born and raised in Japan, so I imagine the lesson less perfect especially when done in a Western context. But may be this explains why she told me, "I am just doing what all other mothers do". I never met my grandmother who died before I was born, so I don't know their relationship. But my grandfather (the one who lived in Tokyo in his retirement) was always there for me, the compassionate one, and even scolded my mother when she did her awful "rolling me down the hill". Interesting too, is my husband's continuous comment to me, he often says your mother raised you to be a "geisha". I can see what your grandmother did is like raising children to be "geisha".
And you understood all that when your Japanese stunk! Amazing.
L. from W.
I was actually part of a storytelling presentation (5-6 storytellers) at the University of Hawaii. My story was what I learned about my mother and the Japanese culture from my trip to Japan. I was surprised when after the show several girls from the audience came backstage with tears in their eyes telling me how they related to what I said.
DeleteMy mother was in the audience and she said later that I'd gotten my story correct and she was very pleased that I'd taken after my grandfather who was a master at giving speeches. It meant so much to me.
Geisha? Hmmmm.... I'm not quite getting that.
I can understand simple Japanese... just enough to get me in trouble.
I too don't quite understand my husband 100%....I think he means like growing an obedient perfect specimen (like me being one of her plants) rather than raising human beings. I'm sure it is not about grooming me to be an artisan, but in a way geishas are objectified.
DeleteAgain, I'm impressed Kay.
L. from W.
Ahhh... that is very true. Geishas were talented, highly trained entertainers. They were supposed to be "perfect" in their performing arts. My mother always had the highest regard for them and I wrote a story about her experience with a geisha when she was little in Yokohama in this blog.
DeleteTears in my eyes again you have the most wonderful memoirs.
ReplyDeleteA beautiful post. I'm so glad I've had the experience of reading this. It helps me so much in my relationship with my Japanese daughter-in-law, although, our son has shared some of this with us. Thanks again, it was good for me to read this. On another subject, I've gotten two emails this morning notifying me of comments on your blog, only 2, but I'd never heard of the people. I'm wondering why I didn't get an email notifying me of every comment, why only 2, and why at all? It's never happened before.
ReplyDeleteLinda... this is really strange. It must be some kind of Spam thing. Was there a link attached? There's been a Spam problem with my Hotmail account so I took out all the addresses from my address look and changed my password. I sure hope it's not more Spam. Thank you for letting me know.
DeleteKay, what a lovely story!! Thanks you for telling it to us! I love the photo of your Mom in Sendai in her Japanese garment. Just beautiful!
ReplyDeleteToo much guilt in child rearing for me, almost a crushing amount from my perspective. I suppose I should just act like an anthropologist and "observe" without judging. Of course, from what I know about Hawaiian history, whatever the story is of how your mother came to Hawaii would probably not be typical at all. Maybe she was a war bride. I guess I'm totally lost about understanding your mother's story, which is probably clear as day to you. I will say that when I visted Japan in 1968 it struck me as being about as different as a culture from what I was used to in America as could be. Not saying I didn't like it. I loved Japan, particularly the aesthetic streak running through everyday things like gardens and food presentation. Not to mention the public honesty for which I have a good story about how a man ran after me for at least half a mile to catch up with me and give me some packages I had left behind.
ReplyDeleteI am going to ask you a question which I don't want you to answer if you don't want to. Do you find Mazie Hirono's story about her mother compelling? The story involves implicit faith that the father in Japan was in reality an abusive ogre. Maybe he was. Or, maybe he was exercising the tough love you portray in your anecdote. But I would point out that what Mazie's mother did, absconding from her husband with her (and his) kids, is considered a crime in America. Sorry, Kay, I feel I'm being too difficult this morning for the light, intelligent, and cheerful environment of your blog. Henry Hank Chapin.
I always look forward to your comments because I can happily count on a different perspective. I would like to assure everybody that I don't expect readers to keep their comments light... just friendly and courteous.
DeleteMy mother was not a war bride nor quite exactly a picture bride. It was a family friend who had a friend in Hawaii who arranged the marriage which turned out to be not quite what it was supposed to be. Unfortunately, it happened too often back then, I'm afraid.
Mazie Hirono? Hmmmm.... I've seen the political commercial about Mazie's past which surprised me a bit. I would hesitate to call Mazie's situation tough love. Women had a lower status in Japan back then... I think. It's believable that Mazie's mother was being abused. (I remember mom telling me about how she saw a young woman being raped by a Russian soldier and then being beaten by her husband for not resisting.) Her mom might have felt escape to Hawaii was the only way to be safe. I'm just wondering how she managed to get herself and her children to Hawaii. Where did she get the money to do so? How did she support herself? It opens up a lot of questions... but then that's NOT what's important. Mazie just wanted to explain that she grew up poor and therefore can understand how people might be having great difficulty surviving in this down market.
As for being a crime in America... well, I'd do the same thing if I had a husband who was threatening my life or my children's life. I think this just shows how brave and intelligent Mazie's mom was to accomplish this feat.
Hank, I just talked to my mother about Mazie Hirono. It seems she's met Mazie's mother. Mazie's mother worked for the Hawaii Hochi newspaper. The Hochi was a competing newspaper to the Hawaii Times Ltd. where my mother worked. Mazie's mother and mine had a mutual friend. Therefore, mom says she'd been to Mazie's mother's home. She thinks it was in Kaimuki. She says Mazie's mother was a gentle, quiet, kind woman and she liked her. When I asked her how Mazie's mother was able to get the family to Hawaii when she left her husband in Japan, Mom said that she thought Mazie's grandparents were living in Hawaii and must have sent for her. I don't know if that's true, but it would make more sense.
DeleteMy wife, Helen, told me once exactly what you said, in essence: she would do anything--anything--required to protect her children. So she would agree with you. And I do too. I would do the same thing. Helen's book. "Shaping History" is a history of the newspapers of Hawaii and has many references to the Japanese newspapers: Hawaii Hochi and Hawaii Times which she thoroughly researched.
DeleteI answered this response of yours last night on my android cell phone but it never got sent. In that message, I said that Helen had a close friend whose daughter was kidnapped. Some years later they found out that a distant aunt had stolen the child. In order to negotiate a return, they agreed not to prosecute. The bonding with the child was interrupted and it was never that great a mother-child relationship because of the kidnapping.
For what it's worth, Irish mythology, literature and lore is full of references to stolen children. Fairies do the stealing as they are not at all cute and benign in traditional Irish cultural thinking. Losing a child is obviously a very deep cultural fear.
As a sidenote, for the foreseeable future, I will refer to Helen from time to time as it seems relevant, which it was in this case because she agreed with you. She passed away only five weeks ago, and I have discovered by this difficult once-in-a-lifetime experience that I don't at all like the concept of "closure." That's me, I guess. For now, I advocate "overture," keeping the memory open. I have no desire to forget and leave it behind me. It may make some people nervous, but c'est la vie. I'm not the buttoned-up, never-express-my-feelings type. Henry Hank Chapin
Thank you very much for your always appreciated comments, Hank. From what I read in Helen's obituary, I know what an amazing, accomplished woman she was and what a great love you shared. I would love to hear more about Helen. If you were Buddhist, you would know you should not forget and leave it behind you. You should enjoy her memory and know that she will always be with you and part of you.
DeleteI have read a lot recently about "tiger moms" and your post helped me to understand how much love goes into being on the strict side.
ReplyDeleteThis is a wonderfully touching story Kay. The photos are marvelous and seeing your mother as a little girl is a gift. Thank you so much! Thank you for those kind words you wrote and for the gift you sent me. From your photos I can also see you were and are a very beautiful lady also, and if I haven't mentioned it before your header photo of the children is adorable!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you liked the photo. It's always fun working with Photoshop. Thank you for your kind words... hardly beautiful though. Still, you are very kind to say so.
DeleteThis really is not only a beautiful story, but it is also full of insight. It helps us understand your mother more. She learned her stoicism and strength early in her life. I love that you had this time with your grandmother where she could tell you this story. She was a very young looking woman when you went to visit her. Thanks for sharing this story.
ReplyDeleteI loved this..so important to have these memories and and more insight into our family members..
ReplyDeleteYou remembered the important things. How wonderful that you were able to get that insight into your mother from your grandmother. Knowing things like that would certainly have helped me to understand my mother, who did not express love in verbal ways when we were young.
ReplyDeleteThose three weeks with my grandparents, aunt, uncles and baby cousins really opened my eyes to so much. There was such a cultural divide before. I was American and just didn't understand so much of it. I just wish my brother would have been willing to take the trip when his turn came.
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