I can tell you honestly that my mother has never said the words, "I love you" to anyone. It's a Japanese thing. Mom says modern Japan has changed, but for her generation people were far too embarrassed to say the words. Instead, they'd say, "Anata o suki" which actually means "I like you," but can infer "I love you." (She did say they could WRITE the words "Watashi wa anata wo aishite imasu." which is the more complete form of "I love you.")
Art's parents were the same way. Therefore we've both been raised feeling uncomfortable saying the actual words. Parents also didn't hug their children after a certain age. Much of this changed for me when I moved to the mainland. As a teacher, how could I not hug my students? I also happily learned to hug my friends. Art and I are good at hugging now.
However, Art and I very rarely say the words to each other and have to make an effort to say it to our children. It does not come naturally.
Still, Art and I always knew we were cherished when we were growing up. I know our children knew it too. And yes, I know Art loves me and he knows I love him. It's more in what he does than what he says.
I do try to remember to say the words to my granddaughter, but I think Art has a harder time with it. Recently, KC started to show the sign language for "I love you." We could be at a restaurant and she'd flash the sign across the table to us. It meant a great deal. Every time we see it, we do feel the love.
So to all of you out there... here goes!
Art's parents were the same way. Therefore we've both been raised feeling uncomfortable saying the actual words. Parents also didn't hug their children after a certain age. Much of this changed for me when I moved to the mainland. As a teacher, how could I not hug my students? I also happily learned to hug my friends. Art and I are good at hugging now.
However, Art and I very rarely say the words to each other and have to make an effort to say it to our children. It does not come naturally.
Still, Art and I always knew we were cherished when we were growing up. I know our children knew it too. And yes, I know Art loves me and he knows I love him. It's more in what he does than what he says.
I do try to remember to say the words to my granddaughter, but I think Art has a harder time with it. Recently, KC started to show the sign language for "I love you." We could be at a restaurant and she'd flash the sign across the table to us. It meant a great deal. Every time we see it, we do feel the love.
So to all of you out there... here goes!
I love you!
Happy Valentines Day!
POSTSCRIPT: I just saw this in the newspaper and had to add it.
I love you, too, Kay!
ReplyDeleteHappy Valentine's Day!
ReplyDeleteKC is such a love bug. She'll never have a problem saying those magic words.
ReplyDeleteLove to you and Art on Valentine's Day.
such a sweet post,, beautiful.
ReplyDeleteJust from reading what you write here I can tell there is a lot of love in your family. Even if your mom doesn't say it I would say that she has taught it well.
ReplyDeleteWords mean so much less than actions. And you know you are loved, and you love much. I feel it everywhere in your posts. Happy Valentine's Day to you and yours, Kay!
ReplyDeletelove is shown in what you do for others. My mother rarely said the words either. I try to end my phone calls to my sons with I love you...
ReplyDeleteI love the sign and it's so easy to make.
ReplyDeleteMy Japanese/American grandson is very uncomfortable if we try to hug him or tell him we love him. His mother is equally uncomfortable. Come to think of it, our son is equally uncomfortable. Some people just aren't into all that nonsense.
ReplyDeleteMmmmm. This all seems very familiar. My second generation German/American father was much the same way. We, with our sons slowly moved the other way. :)
ReplyDeleteI love the hand sign..Happy Valentine's Day!
ReplyDeleteKay and Art -- you've done well blending into the times today.
ReplyDeleteAnd how do you use 6 words in Japanese for the 3 words "I love you" in English?
What's the difference between the Japanese your Mom wrote in the scrapbook, with the characters and whisps, and the Japanese using letters?
Your Mom should teach a Japanese culture class.
Be glad you were a teacher in the right time period. I remember when my son's teachers had been told that they couldn't hug students except "sideways"!
Have a grand day in aloha-land!
DrumMajor
Love you right back!! Happy Valentine's Day my friend!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the reminder....interesting that the Japanese language doesn't have a verbal equivalent to "I love you". And saying just "anata" in an affectionate way is reserved for lovers. "Love" being absent from the Japanese language must imply something. My husband noticed that the way my parents love me is akin to loving an extension of themselves rather than loving another person. The Japanese have strong group thinking rather than respect for individual diffferences. I'm just wondering...
ReplyDeleteL. from W.
The inability to say "I love you," and to hug is also a product of the Victorian Era, of which my parents were a product. I think my mother finally told me she loved me when I was about 35 and she was 76. I'm sure it took courage for her to get those words out of her mouth! My father died when I was 18, and he never said those words to me. In fact, I don't recall that he and I ever had a conversation!
ReplyDeleteHappy Valentine's Day to you and yours Kay...I have trouble with that word too!
ReplyDeleteTouching post.
btw middle left with cat in photo with black and white head!
middle left white cat with black and white head that should say
ReplyDeleteI'm the same way, and so is my husband. I'm always surprised at people who can say "Love Ya," as they hang up the phone, for instance.
ReplyDeleteMy feeling is that one keeps deep emotions in the private realm. That is probably the way traditional Japanese like your mom feel, too.
We tend to show our love with good works rather than words. Cooking meals, helping out with time and money and so on.
Very interesting learning about your culture. My parents weren't demonstrative but we were a close family. When my mother died and my father married into a Hungarian family, we were both in for a culture shock. They hug and say "lOVE YOU" even if they are only going to the store. We both learned to bend and enjoy. Now I hug even casual friends with ease.
ReplyDeleteHugging does not come natural to a lot of people, nor does saying "I love you." It took my husband years to say it. I think it was a generational thing. I also think kids these days find it easier to say I love you. My granddaughters always sign off with I 'heart' you on text messages and say it live on phone calls. Dianne
ReplyDeleteYou're never too old to learn new things (like saying I LOVE YOU)
ReplyDeletenext thing they'll be kissing. Then the world will never be the
ReplyDeleteIt used to be same here in India too but things have changed drastically over the years.To most of us to saying ILY doesn't come naturally.
ReplyDeleteKay ,Anata o suki.
I love you back!
ReplyDeleteI don't remember my parents saying 'I love you' either, when I was a child. As the truth of it is I didn't really feel loved. But my parents did tell me much later, when I was an adult with children of my own, that they loved me and thought about me every day. That meant a lot.
My kids are not demonstrative about their love either, but my granddaughter makes up for all of us. You told me again tonight that she loved me and that I was the best grandma in the whole world. Sigh.
Drum Major: "Watashi wa anata wo aishite imasu."
ReplyDeleteIt does take more to say "I love you" in Japanese doesn't it? Watashi means I. I don't know what you call wa. It's a sort of connecter. Anata means you. I don't know what to call wo. Ai means love. The shite makes it am loving. Imasu makes it into present tense. Sheesh! Darn language is difficult to explain.
L. from W.: Actually "Ai" does mean love. "Suki" means "like" except when it sort of infers love.
Hmmm... extension of themselves? That's probably true in a way. If a child does something bad, the shame is carried to the parents. And vice versa. All this could lead to the whole seppuku (hara kiri for westerners) thing.
My family would have horrified your mother, then, with hugs and kisses and "love you all to bits" etc.
ReplyDeleteMy niece phones me regularly and almost all calls end with "I love you" and "I love you, too" and now my grandniece (age 4) gets on the phone and says "I love you, Auntie Kay" and I, well, I just love it.
The very best thing my mother told me, however, was I was the easiest of all her children to raise. I was sure I was the worst! LOL
Hugs, K
I love that little hand signing "I Love You". So much of what we are is cultural. It's good to know we can keep all the good parts and change the rest. I can say my mother was the big hugger and lover in our family. My father rarely hugged and I never remember him saying "I love you". His mother was very warm, so I don't know where that comes from. I'm a hugger too.
ReplyDeleteWe all thrive on hugs so I'm sending one to you Kay. :)
I tell my kids I love them just about anytime I see them or text them. And they say it to us as well, even when we don't say it first.
ReplyDeleteJust after I wrote the comment, I thought of the Paul Simon song. 'some people never say those words, i love you, though like a child they're longing to be told.'
ReplyDeleteYou and Art are obviously a GREAT couple! But I say it too much and he loves it. . . .
ReplyDeleteEh! Dat hand sign looks like 'shaka brah'!!
ReplyDeletewalt