We just attended a funeral for a dear neighbor and friend, Charlie. He and his wife, Wini lived next to us and we are forever going back and forth between our houses to chat or share goodies. Our hearts are breaking for Wini, but she's been an oasis of dignified calm even as we are fully aware of what this loss has been for her.
Although she and Charlie are nearing their 80's, she smiled mistily and said, "I thought we'd grow old together." Wini organized everything and made sure that everyone was welcomed and knew how much their support had been appreciated. I am amazed at her spiritual, inner strength.
The funeral service was beautiful. It occurred to me then while hearing the eulogies that there's so much you don't know about some people until their funeral. Charlie and Wini were never ones to brag about their accomplishments. Therefore, Art, mom and myself sat there in awe of all that he had done, all the positions he'd held and what he meant to so many people.
Funerals are different in Hawaii. When you attend a funeral, you usually bring a Koden which is a monetary gift to the family to help pay for the funeral expenses. It is especially helpful because funerals here also have dinners for all the people who attend right after the service. There's also the huge wreaths that grace the church or temple which are extremely costly.
We were also invited to attend the inurnment and there was another luncheon after that service. I really enjoyed the dinner and luncheon because we got to spend time with neighbors and Wini and Charlie's wonderful relatives. Art really, really loved it because he got to see people he knew when he was a boy on the Big Island. Coincidentally, Wini and Art are both from Honokaa. It's one of life's wonderful coincidences.
I guess funerals are the same as those on the mainland in that you get to reconnect happily with those people you haven't seen in a long time. I think Charlie is looking down at us and smiling.
And I know he's really proud of Wini.
Although she and Charlie are nearing their 80's, she smiled mistily and said, "I thought we'd grow old together." Wini organized everything and made sure that everyone was welcomed and knew how much their support had been appreciated. I am amazed at her spiritual, inner strength.
Funerals are different in Hawaii. When you attend a funeral, you usually bring a Koden which is a monetary gift to the family to help pay for the funeral expenses. It is especially helpful because funerals here also have dinners for all the people who attend right after the service. There's also the huge wreaths that grace the church or temple which are extremely costly.
We were also invited to attend the inurnment and there was another luncheon after that service. I really enjoyed the dinner and luncheon because we got to spend time with neighbors and Wini and Charlie's wonderful relatives. Art really, really loved it because he got to see people he knew when he was a boy on the Big Island. Coincidentally, Wini and Art are both from Honokaa. It's one of life's wonderful coincidences.
I guess funerals are the same as those on the mainland in that you get to reconnect happily with those people you haven't seen in a long time. I think Charlie is looking down at us and smiling.
And I know he's really proud of Wini.
Thanks for teaching us about the Hawaiian way of death. I like the idea of a Koden.
ReplyDeleteIn Hebrew we say "May his memory be a blessing." It looks like many people were blessed to have known Charlie.
hmmm. David and I have instructed our daughters that we are to have a private burial service instead of a funeral.
ReplyDeleteawwww, lovely post, I think you're right, funerals are for the living, to reconnect, the death of a loved one brings us together,
ReplyDeleterest in peace Charlie,
What a wonderful event to be a part of. And to learn all the things about a person you never knew before? I especially like the line about Wini thinking they would grow old together. Just goes to show that "old" is relative. My heart goes out to her.
ReplyDeleteyes funerals are great reunions and celebrations of the deceased's life and accomplishments but we also need to come together at reunion while our loved one is living...
ReplyDeleteWe've found that funerals bring families together in a way like no other. The shared connection leads to a relaxed, intimate atmosphere where the departed are remembered and the living make deeper commitments. We've always brought our boys up to understand that friends may come and go but family is forever.
ReplyDeleteThe gathering of relatives and friends is usually enjoyable - a good party with the main guest absent, in body anyway.
ReplyDeleteI love your description of Wini's dignity in her grief. It sounds like she led the mourners in a very special goodbye to Charlie.
ReplyDeleteI'm so touched by this post, life is not easy but it goes on.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this with us. Keep an eye on Wini in the months ahead. The first year is so hard for a widow. I think everyone has a star watching us on earth. DrumMajor
ReplyDeleteSuch a lovely post and tribute to Wini and to Art! I know he will be missed.
ReplyDeleteSylvia
Thanks for this insight into funeral practices of another culture. My son married in Japan and the tradition was the bride and groom gave gifts to guests attending the wedding. Very different from US weddings.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful, touching story, Kay. I loved Wini saying "I thought we'd grow old together"! I know you and Art and your mom will be there for her.
ReplyDeleteLove, K
Thank you for sharing such kind and wonderful thoughts about your neighbor. But like gigi (though I'm sure not for the same reason), I told my children I want a simple graveside service (a few words to be blessed), no funeral.
ReplyDeleteL. from W.
L. from W: Gosh, I don't know if we could go without a funeral or some kind of gathering. It's not for us, but for the family. Art's mom instructed us before she passed away to not accept any koden because we lived so far away and wouldn't be able to keep up the tradition of reciprocation as well. (We have actually.)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, several relatives were very upset and tearful about us not accepting any koden at the funeral. I think they considered the koden a farewell gift for all Art's mom did for them when she was alive. By not accepting it, I think it caused more pain but it was her wish.
I really think funerals are for the living.
I really like the idea of the Koden. How thoughtful.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad Wini has such great neighbors to lean on.
Kay, so sorry for the loss of your dear neighbor. Thank you for teaching us the way of the Hawaiian culture-it is always interesting to learn about the customs there!
ReplyDeleteI agree, funerals are for the living, and it sounds like these 'celebrations' really helped Wini to get through her loss. I'm sure you will be keeping contact with her as the after-the-services hard time sets in.
ReplyDeleteAt our church, there's a group of ladies that helps organize a meal after the funeral. They provide a ham, side dishes prepared by volunteers, soda, and paper goods. When Hubby's mother died, it was a great help.
ReplyDeleteMy prayers for Charlie .Holding good thoughts fopr Winie .I remember mentioning this in one of your earlier posts that we too have a similar tradition like Koden and I think it is great.
ReplyDeleteI have been such a private (reclusive) person while alive. I don't think many would miss my passing, except my grandchildren. Told you, Kay, I was not mainstream...but thank you for suggesting that I see it another way.
ReplyDeleteL. from W.
I am sorry for your loss and especially for Wini
ReplyDeleteRead all the posts that I missed reading past week.I am glad that your colonoscopy and Art's check up went well.Loved ,loved and loved your journal post .And I smiled at your hair cut post , reminded me of my mom who used to give us similar looking haircut.Oh yes ,even I fixed many crooked picture through Picasa 3 and I love it's watermarking feature.I was so upset last month finding pictures from my blog being usedby many other websites without my knowlegde and link credits.
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