Dear Annie: We have six grandchildren and talk, e-mail and text often with four of them. They always thank us for the gifts we send for birthdays and holidays.
The same, however, is not true for the other two, who live out of state. They are both teenagers and quite capable of acknowledging gifts, but they don't. When we ask the parents if the children received their gifts, the answer usually is, "I think so, but I'm not sure."
Our children were raised to be properly grateful, but for some reason, our son doesn't feel his children need to follow rules of any sort.
We sent money to the kids for Christmas and never heard a word. I sent an e-mail to their mother asking if they got their cards, but she didn't reply. Our son believes it's up to the kids to say thank you and if they don't, we should accept it. He says we are expecting too much.
My first instinct is not to give them anything for birthdays and holidays this year. I wonder if they'd even notice. We are both retired and live on a fixed income. Should I stop sending gifts? Should I donate their share of birthday and holiday presents to the needy who would appreciate them? — Very Disappointed Grandmother
Dear Grandmother: Your son and his wife apparently don't believe their children should be responsible for even the most basic courtesy. Use this as an opportunity to educate these misguided grandchildren. Send each an e-mail and explain why you expect some type of acknowledgment for any gift, and that if they don't thank you, you will assume they no longer want your presents. If you wish instead to make a donation to charity in their names, by all means, do so.
I've seen these kinds of letters in advice columns many, many times. Are we becoming a society who more and more don't take the time to acknowledge kindnesses?
My daughter, Tiffany not only writes (and sometimes designs her own) thank you notes, but has my granddaughter add her signature scrawl or even message scrawl to teach KC the importance of showing her appreciation and gratitude.We in turn have used Skype to show KC that we received her card and loved it. We let her know how much we love getting that acknowledgement from her.
Now then... about Annie's Mailbox letter. Art and I were talking about it this morning and would add a little more to that response.
We would also tell the children that since we'd not received any acknowledgements, we would be assuming that the gifts do not mean much to them. Therefore, it will make them happy to know that we would be sending their future gifts as a donation to a charity in their name where it would help somebody in need and be much appreciated.
OK... I'm getting off my soapbox now.... again.
Postscript: After reading everybody's great comments I would like to amend what I said in this post. I think this person should definitely continue to send loving cards and letters to her two grandchildren because you want to maintain a good relationship with those kids.
I so agree with you, Kay. A thank you note mean so much, and should always be written. In our family, we have fallen out of the habit of writing these notes to one another, although we always do it for others. This Christmas my oldest sent me a lovely note. It was all the more appreciated because we haven't done it often in recent times. I'll get back to it now, after her example. She lives out of state, so it IS the thing to do. Not as if we were still in the same home. The youngest has always done it, since she now lives on the opposite coast, and she always has her little guy do it too.
ReplyDeleteLOVE your view on this, Kay! I remember when getting something new was an occasion in itself, let alone that it came to me as a gift from someone. I'm afraid kids today have so much "stuff" that adding a gift to the pile means little to them. This isn't true of all children, because some still are being taught to be thankful, but it's true of many.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you, but it's not always as simple as bringing children up properly. My sons always sent thank you letters when they were younger and I was around to badger them. For the first few years they left home I continued to remind them. However, I no longer feel I should do so, and they're not as assiduous I would like. And yet they're both kind and thoughtful young men. In fact they have both suggested to their relatives that they should make charity gifts instead - perhaps that's one way of getting out of writing thank you letters!
ReplyDeletethis is an interesting subject and I agree with you BUT you don't want to alienate your kids or grandkids. Is there another way? Example is best. Maybe sending a note or email with a form-got the present and hate it, didn't get it, got it and loved it. Check one with humor or tongue in cheek would get the message over?
ReplyDeleteVery thought-provoking post. I wonder if it most often happens when our sons marry, as women are generally in charge of those details.
ReplyDeleteOh, I do so agree with you, Kay! Gratitude for much of anything seems in short supply these days. My kids are all very appreciative and they don't have any children, so I haven't had a lack of appreciation in my own life, but that doesn't seem to be the case for many others. Hope you have a great day!
ReplyDeleteSylvia
a simple 'thank you' does mean so much. I also have a close relative that never thanks me and one that always does.
ReplyDeleteI believe I would start with a birthday card minus money, and see if I got a response. If so I would express my feelings. Try them again at Christmas or birthday with money and see if they remember. If not, from then on, it would be card only.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post Kay. Old fashioned good manners never go out of style and I think it is so important that if people are kind enough to give you a gift, you should always let them know how much you appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteMy grands are out of state and I have the same problem and struggle for an answer.
ReplyDeleteKay, I agree with you 100%! I don't think SOME parents teach their children manners like they should. Those grandchildren that were older no better-you don't learn everything from your parents. I always send out thank you notes and my children did when they were little and still do today.
ReplyDeleteAren't oral thank you's sufficient? I really don't expect written letters of gratitude.
ReplyDeleteI so agree with this. I was taught to write thank you notes, I taught my children the same and now as adults they continue to do so. To me its almost like a "crime" not to take a few minutes to call or write someone a note acknowledging a gift. I am so fed up with relatives who have never once acknowledged any gift! Grr....I think its a great idea the next time when sending a card to say that instead of a gift to the recipient one would go to a deserving charity!! What a cute photo of KC working on thank you notes! Never too young to start.
ReplyDeleteMy grandchildren are out of state too, and my daughter is not very diligent with her thank yous. It is disappointing to me, but I call or email to be sure whatever I sent arrives. I also arrange skype calls. I know that they have a very busy household, and I have more time, so I reach out.
ReplyDeleteI do think that part of the problem is that kids have so much now,that they hardly notice who gives them what.
Stopping by to say hello. I agree with many of the comments. I am not best to send a written thank you through the mail, but I always, always place a phone call to express my thankfulness for their thoughtfulness.
ReplyDeleteI grew up with thank-you cards too and let the kids sign or "sign" LOL their own.
ReplyDeleteIf those were my grandkids, I'd mention it once on the phone beforehand -- something like "I'm mailing your birthday present this week, and I'd love a thank-you card so I know you got it okay". Then if they didn't send one or at least CALL to thank me, their next present from me would be a box of thank-you cards, a sheet of stamps, and a book of etiquette.
Pffft!!
ROFL
just a simple thank you goes a long way!
ReplyDeleteRight you are, Kay
ReplyDeleteAloha, Friend!
Comfort Spiral
A post in time ...this is the only topic we have been discussing in my family for last couple of days....can't reveal more as the people concerned are extremely close relatives and surprisingly kids of very good parents(parents who are known for their high moral values and good manners)....i am going to share this post of yours in my facebook profile in hope that the concerned teens read it..
ReplyDeleteYou know, I am forever appalled by the lack of gratitude I see from young people, but it is likely an educational lack. They have always had gifts and plenty and think this is just how things should be. The parents are at fault for not teaching their children. The children do not deserved to be punished for their parent's neglect.
ReplyDeleteAre we becoming a society who more and more don't take the time to acknowledge kindnesses?
ReplyDeleteNot only that Kay, but performing acts of kindness is also falling out of vogue. This may be due to today's "me" mentality, irregardless of the conventional caveats. Dunno. No mo the aloha, unfortunately.
When I was a kid, my mom used to withhold any gifts or monies received until we would write our thank yous. And now I do that with my son. But now my mom is always complaining to me that she doesn't get acknowledgement from half of her grandkids. I think this problem is a big epidemic!
ReplyDeleteDear Kay,
ReplyDeleteFor about the last 20 years I have been wanting to write you and thank you for the pale blue jeans shirt that you passed on to me. I think it was Tiffany's. It has gotten a bit tight now, but for years I wore it with pleasure. And every time I said a little thank-you prayer for my friends Kay and Art, Tiffany and Jon.
For about half a century I have had a mental block about writing letters on paper. It is so hard somehow; I just keep putting it off and off.
The advent of e-mail saved me and changed everything.
So please accept my thanks now.
Thanks for waiting.
Your friend, Dina
My daughter does send snail mail thank you cards and letters. My nieces never once even let me know that they had received any gift I ever sent so I stopped sending them. No point....
ReplyDelete