I see the photo of myself holding my granddaughter and I'm reminded of the cultural difference between how I was brought up as an Asian American as compared to a Caucasian American.
My brother and I were held, hugged and loved until we were in elementary school. After that, we knew we were loved but we were not hugged or caressed by our parents. It seemed to be the normal way of life in Hawaii and we didn't question it. In college , after I gave a speech in an auditorium about my mother's incredible life journey several people came backstage in tears to tell me they understood what I was speaking of about the relationship between Japanese parents and children.
When I began teaching here on "the Mainland" I had to make a concious effort to give my students all the hugs they wanted and reached out for. I may have given them more hugs than my own children. My own children did mention that they in fact noticed that I never praised them to others and didn't hug them as much as their friend's parents did. I'm breaking through how I was raised and find it more natural now to hug my children more often but it took 30 years to undo something that was rather conditioned into me.
Do I think my parents loved me less? Do I love my children less than Caucasian parents? Of course not. Still, I do love being able to hug my daughter and son. I have yet to hug my mother but she mentioned a few months ago how her grandson (my nephew, Cody) gave her a hug when he visited and I could hear the delight in her voice. Hmmmm.... I think I'll talk to my brother about this...after I give him a hug.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
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Yes it is interesting how families differ but not all caucasian families hug a lot. It varies from family to family. My mom was not a hugger or one who said "I love you" very often but she did love us. I changed that when I raised my sons and loved to close our phone calls with "I love you." My mom heard this often when I was at her nursing home in her later years and she began to change and say that also on the phone only.
ReplyDeleteNow I try to hug my family each time I see them as we live about 300 miles away and others further away in NM and Seattle. You never know when it is your last time together but I do have a daughter-in-law who doesn't want to hug although her parents are Italian and are real huggers. So guess it's more than cultural but personality differences.
This is an interesting cultural difference. But then, your parents could be Connecticut Yankees, who can be just as reserved.
ReplyDeleteMy mother's sister married into an Italian family, and they were all for kissing cheeks (or pretending to in that ridiculous way), and I never could manage it. Always dreaded the greeting and farewell moments.
It's interesting how this can result in confusion and hurt, though. I love a good hug.
Never too old to hug... I think a hug would be perfect for your mom. :O)
ReplyDeleteFirst, "Let Me Hold You While I May" is painfully beautiful. It speaks of the poignancy you must be feeling to soon be moving away from your precious grand daughter.
ReplyDeleteAnd, the hugging issue: I grew up in a family of New Brunswick Protestants. Hugging and "I Love You's" were not part of my childhood or most of my adulthood. Only in my mother's last years did she learn to hug us and tell us she loved us.
There is a scene in The Grapes of Wrath in which Tom Joad is reunited with his parents after getting out of prison. My students often commented that it seemed unrealistic for Tom and his parents not to hug. I always explained to them that I understood that scene completely.
You could be describing my family, and we are Caucasian Americans. I don't know if it was more the old school, but my parents loved us very much and were not physically affectionate after we were small. It made it hard for me as a caretaker for my mother, as I felt like being more affectionate, but didn't know if it would cause her discomfort. After the first few months, I hugged her goodnight every night, and then when she got more fragile, I kissed her cheek. I also told her I loved her, and she would say it back as best she could. Her illness took away her speech. I felt like she was a lot more alone those last 20 months and probably before that because of her nature. My father was kind of the same as he avoided family the last year or so because he would cry and that was mortifying to him. Maybe the hard life that they had back then made it more necessary to be stoic. Like you, I have always tried to be more affectionate to my children and grandchildren, but sometimes it is a little hard due to my upraising. I guess we are all different, and I always knew I was loved, but one of my brothers had a harder time with it.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, thank you for adding me to your list of blogs you visit, that was so nice to discover, and made my day.
We wait for the coming photo of you and Mom embracing.
ReplyDeleteI am so touched by all of your wonderful responses. I love having you guys for my friends. I have to say I was surprised by what you wrote and comforted.
ReplyDeleteNever ... there isn´t a right age to stop huging!
ReplyDeleteFirst let me say hugs to you. Second, I used to be a big hugger. Now with laws changing, I'm a little nervous about hugging people. Not my own children mind you, even though I have boys and they prefer mom not be all over them, I have learned to be more reserved in my emotions. I'm sad about that though. Sometimes growing up without a heathly kind of love leaves you empty as an adult and those hugs from outsiders mean more than people can imagine.
ReplyDeleteI love this post. It hits so close to home for me. As I read some of the comments I realize this is not "culture specific", probably more a learned "condition". But, the good part is that it can also be un-learned (or re-learned?).
ReplyDeleteI am African American, and my family was not demonstrative at all. My husband's family was. They hugged and kissed cheeks a lot. He's African American also. It took a long time for hugging and cheek kissing to become natural to me.
My baby child, the "way-over-25" year old is the hugger of my 3 kids. I guess I finally got it. He has no qualms about giving me a big hug any time - just because.
I love it!
I very much enjoyed reading your post today! I didn't grow up in a hugging family either, nor one that praised excessively. Still, I knew I was loved and made my parents proud. I try to hug my kids whenever I can! It makes me feel good too!
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting Geneva!
I very much enjoyed reading your post today! I didn't grow up in a hugging family either, nor one that praised excessively. Still, I knew I was loved and made my parents proud. I try to hug my kids whenever I can! It makes me feel good too!
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting Geneva!
I grew up in a family where shaking hands was the demonstrative any of the men ever got. I still recoil when someone encroaches on my space.
ReplyDeleteHowever, things have changed in the family (or should I say with some of us) and now we all greet each other with hugs. It is much more friendly. But I still shy away from hugging anyone outside my immediate family.
This post really touched a nerve! I think what attracted me most to my husband was the amount of hugging that went and still goes on in his family--- not so in ours-- but, like you, I'm learning! and Grandchildren make it so easy!! Hugs to you dear friend!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so loving the responses I've been getting here. It's very comforting and reassuring. I'm glad my own kids have read it, too. I think it's helped them understand.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. I hug my children several times a day.
ReplyDeleteThis brought tears to my eyes Kay. My family was not demonstrative and I wanted to be a different kind of parent with lots of hugs, praise and "I love you". I can't wait to continue with grandchildren!
ReplyDeletePeople differ wildly, Italians hug and pat and kisskiss on both cheeks, the Germans shake hands, the Austrians throw a "Bussi" (kiss). Sometimes I am at a loss, trying to figure out if I should hug, hughug, kiss, kisskiss, throw a kiss, whatnot, not least because globalization has taken ahold even in showing affection, people adopt and import other cultures' habits.
ReplyDeleteI came over thanks to David McMahon!
Recently an Asian American co worker expressed a very similar feeling...she admired families she saw who hugged, kissed, held hands in public places .. she said she just couldnt do it .. it was not how she was raised. I suggested she start small and just reach out and pat her daughter on the head and take it from there ..
ReplyDeleteI think your idea of hugging your brother is a great place to start!
David sent me!
:-Daryl
Came over via David's blog which has recommended a visit! Well worth it. Having been brought up in England where there didn't used to be any PDA (Public Displays of Affection) I never doubted my parents loved me. I do have to remember however, that my American kids have rather higher expectations in the hugging department. Heck I even hugged one of their teachers this morning who had been off sick for a while!
ReplyDeleteHi Musings! I came via David too and this was a wonderful piece. I'm Irish (41) and I grew up in a time when Ireland was still very much in the grasp of Catholic repression. I too knew completely that my parents loved me but it was not something that was often, if ever, vocalised. I would find it very weird watching American TV shows where "I love you" seemed to be spoken so casually. I found it embarrassing. I threw off this silliness as I approached adulthood and my husband, kids and I are as gushy as they come! It's a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI had lots of hugs as a child though.
What a wonderful post! So full of love and learning.
ReplyDeleteCame over from David's. Congratulations on POTD. And a big *HUG* for you!